Our first ‘Regular Mum’ Q & A is with Victoria Harrington Chavez a showgirl at Lido in Paris and a certified yoga instructor. Victoria is married to husband Jose Chavez for 6 years and they have two beautiful children: Romèo who is 2 years and Ella-Marie who is 6 months. It took two years for Victoria to fall pregnant with Romèo. She was told she needed fertility treatment. After two rounds of IUI treatment, she finally fell pregnant with Romèo. Yay!!! She exclusively breastfed him for 13 months and 9 months after Romèo was born got a huge, amazing surprise when she found out she conceived Ella Marie naturally. Victoria wants to add that she had a c-section with Romèo and a vaginal birth with Ella Marie.
She kindly gave her answers to my questions in the back seat of the car while looking after her two children on the way home from ‘Peppa Pig World!’.
WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO BECOME A MUM?
Hey, right. We have Postman Pat in the background. Romèo is quite quiet. Ella-Marie is asleep and Jose is here, he says hello. So why did I decide to become a mom? Well, the truth is actually, and I don’t know if I’ve told you this, I was never very maternal growing up. I was always the one in my family who didn’t want to get married, didn’t want children, didn’t want that kind of lifestyle. Because I just wanted to dance and have a career and travel and I wasn’t really interested. On one of the very first dates that I went on with Jose, I said to him from the outset, “by the way, I don’t want marriage or kids, just so you know”. And he was like, “right”.
I actually didn’t think I ever would have them. Then, you know, you get married and things progress and you fall in love. One day, I think it probably was after I turned 30, so whether it was an age thing or a being happy in a relationship and wanting that relationship to progress thing, you kind of start seeing your future. And it was honestly like a switch, where one day I just thought, “hang on a minute…I need to have children with this man. I need to make a life with him.” And yeah, all of a sudden it was just something that I felt like I really needed to do.
We wanted to wait till we got married, which we did. We were happy we’d been together for six years or something by that point. We’d had a good amount of time together, of just us, and all of a sudden I’d gone from not wanting kids at all to it literally being one of the only things I wanted. And then obviously we had a bit of trouble, which I’m sure we’ll get onto at a later time, but yeah, it was literally a switch. So it wasn’t something I’d wanted to do all my life. It was meeting right person, it being the right time, my body clock just kicking into gear.
I was like, “I need to do this. I need to be a mom. I want a baby”. And then everywhere I looked, there were just babies, babies, babies, and people having babies. And it made me want to have one even more. I think because I’d done my whole career first and I was at a really good place that I felt ready to move on to something different.
HOW HAS MOTHERHOOD CHANGED YOU AS A PERSON?
That’s a big question. How has motherhood changed me as a person? We could be here all day, but I’ll try not to make it really long. I’m sure Jose would tell you that it’s made me grumpy <laughs>. Yes, it has tested my patience, that’s for sure.
It has completely changed me. Like, I feel like I’m a different person. I’m actually struggling with that at the moment and trying to work out how to balance the old me and the new me and find somewhere in the middle.
Like I said, because I was never very maternal. I actually didn’t even think I’d be a good mom. Before I had Romèo, I’d never changed a nappy. I had barely held any babies. I hadn’t been around many children. And as soon as I got pregnant, I suddenly had this like really strong maternal urge. I was really protective of my bump and this little baby inside.
So I already felt myself starting to change as a person before I got pregnant. It was all career, it was go, go, go. It was climbing the ladder, being a dancer, and getting all the jobs and doing all the auditions and then doing my yoga teacher exams. I was just on the go constantly. Selfishly, or maybe not even selfishly because you are on your own, you don’t have to think about anyone else. I just thought about me.
And I had the luxury to sleep-in when I wanted. And you have the luxury of time and you can do anything you want before you have kids. And as soon as I had Romèo, I suddenly just became in a way that I never imagined. I wanted to breastfeed and to sleep with him in the bed. I wanted all of this. I just wanted it all to be about being a mom. And I assumed that when I had my baby, I would go back to work and become the old me, and just have a baby there. And that’s not what happened at all. I learned to slow down a lot.
You know, things are active in a different kind of way, but I didn’t want to go back to work. I didn’t want to put him in nursery. I didn’t want to be separated from him. I just wanted it to all be about me being a mom. And It really took me by surprise, because I didn’t expect that.
I thought that I would be really different. Which might be because I had him during lockdown and during COVID times. So we were not able to go out and about and see family and go to classes like we do now. We were very much in our little bubble for a really long time. It’s definitely taught me that actually I’m a really good mom. <laughs> I’m really good at taking care of people and making sure that they’re always okay.
My whole perspective and my whole outlook has changed. It’s not all about my career anymore. I’ve done that. I used to be very focused on me and how I looked and how I was eating and how I was taking care of myself. When you look in hindsight – I keep saying the word ‘selfish’ – you just live like life is all about you. And I just don’t obviously do that anymore. I probably need to take a bit more time for myself than I actually do.
So I’ve learned to definitely slow down and have a different outlook on life. Things become less important that were super important before. They don’t become as important now because you literally have human beings that you have to take care of and that rely on you.
HOW HAS BEING A SHOWGIRL IN THE LIDO PREPARED YOU FOR MOTHERHOOD?
Stamina. I know that sounds silly, but when you have children to look after, and especially a toddler – which you are going to realize when Cruz gets to this age – they are nuts! And you have to keep up with them and you can’t be lazy with children. Some days I don’t sit down and I’m not joking.
Some days I will do more steps in a day than I ever did at Lido. And I’ll burn more calories. So I think the stamina of being prepared to go, go, go, go, go, all the time definitely helped me.
Also when you have children, you don’t really sleep much. You don’t get to rest all the time. And there have been periods throughout my career where I’ve had really busy times where I’ve nonstop worked and I’m exhausted and in the evening times I was working two shows a night, six nights a week. I’m used to having those night times where I don’t sleep very much, but I have the stamina to get through it. We were one of these couples, any a way that would stay up late. So night times are our thing. And I do think that has helped.
HOW HAS IT BEEN HAVING YOUR SECOND CHILD COMPARED TO THE FIRST BABY?
Oh, my gosh, it has been a totally different experience. Second time round: so much easier, honestly. Oh, the first time when you are first becoming a mother, [Aside to Ella-Marie: “Oh, careful baby girl.”] it is such an overwhelming experience. There is so much to take in, so much information, and so many new experiences happening all at once to your body and to this baby.
It’s just a mad, mad time. Your whole life just changes in an instant. I genuinely don’t think there is any amount of preparation that you can do for it. So second time around, we had a very small age gap, and it all came a lot more naturally. I must say the first time didn’t feel unnatural, but it was a lot to take in.
I want to say I was better prepared for the second birth, but actually I prepared less for the birth. I over prepared for Romèo and then was really disappointed. I had a bit more faith the second time around in my body, which worked because it ended up being a much less traumatic experience.
And then I’d done the baby stage with Romèo 18 months previously. So I’d been there, I’d done it. I had done the nappies, I’d done the no-sleep. I’d done the breastfeeding. I’d just done it all before, so nothing was a surprise. And I think my being more relaxed about life in general with a baby meant that she was a bit more of a relaxed baby, or I was just lucky and got a second baby who was just really chilled out.
There was nothing that was unexpected. Obviously there are things that were different, they’re different children. But everything just made so much more sense.
HOW HAS BECOMING A MOTHER AFFECTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FAMILY, HUSBAND AND YOURSELF?
Without a shadow of a doubt, it has brought me and my family closer together. Not that we weren’t a close family anyway, but we weren’t one of these families that would talk every day and see each other all the time. And that would talk about, you know, ‘life’. We just weren’t one of those families. Especially with my sister, our relationship is completely transformed because my nephew was born three months after Romèo. They’re going to grow up really, really close in ages. And we’ve become so much closer. We’ve talked about so many things that we never would’ve spoken about. It’s been really nice to have someone there to talk all things ‘baby’. And because I’ve spent such a long time abroad and away from home – it’s been what? 12 years that I’ve been not in the UK – there would be days on end that I wouldn’t speak to my siblings. Children connect you with your family.
The same happened with my mom as well. Not that we weren’t always close. We’ve always had a really nice relationship, but ever since I’ve become a mom, and spent much more time back in the UK, our relationship has totally transformed. She’s been there to help me – she was there when I had Romeo. She came over to France to be with me for a couple of weeks.
When you become a mom, it’s like all your barriers come down. You are really vulnerable because you are tired and thrown into this new way of life. The people closest to you see all of that. They see your vulnerability. They see you when your guards are down. They see you tired. They see you upset. My mom helped me through my breastfeeding and because she’s had three children herself, I would rely on her a lot. I still do that. She was there to answer so many questions and she’s just been brilliant.
Then there’s the relationship between me and Jo, which again has shifted and transformed and changed. Since we had Romeo and then a little unexpected arrival in the way of Ella Marie, we’ve had our struggles. We both know that we love each other and we’re a family and that’s not going to change, but it does put a strain on your relationship. It’s not because you don’t love each other anymore, but because it’s not just about you two anymore. Before we had kids, we had such a strong relationship, really strong, and we loved to do the same things. Our Sundays were our days for us to relax. We used to go on holiday all the time. We used to sleep in late. We’d order take-away. We’d go out for dinner. We’d have this lifestyle where it was all just about us. And then all of a sudden, it’s not about you. You don’t get time for yourself. You don’t get time as a couple, you don’t get to talk to each other. You don’t get to communicate to each other. [Aside: “Baby, can you watch Postman Pat?”] We have a toddler that has never been very good at sleeping and therefore we co-sleep with him. So, that’s affected our relationship because we’ve got a toddler in between us all the time. And so even just talking to each other of an evening time has become difficult. And so there are struggles and there are strains, but I try to always remember why we fell in love, why we decided to get married and start a family in the first place. We have my mom at home and as you know, we try our best to go out on a date night or reminisce.
And you know, we’ve had some amazing memories already. Holidays with the kids and outings and millions of pictures that we can look back on. It can change and it develops and relationships do that naturally. We are very, very happy to have our little family because it’s all that we wanted.
In terms of relationship with myself, this is the hardest one of all.
And one that I struggle with the most and one that I am very up and down with still currently. When I had Romèo, I had quite a difficult birth. So there was that to get over. And going from having this body that would function quickly and normally and being very active, to then not being able to walk properly because of the cesarean and you’re in pain all the time and your hips hurt and your back hurts and you’re holding this baby. And then they don’t sleep. So you’re rocking them.
My body doesn’t work the way it used to. It doesn’t look the way it used to. It doesn’t feel the way it used to. And all of those things combined can be a really big struggle. And I’m still trying to either accept the way I am now or accept that it’s going to take a bit of time to find a new version of me. I think I need to try to give up on the old version of me because the old version of me didn’t have children and I have children now. So yeah, physically and mentally, I struggle with that most days. And I think that’s really normal in motherhood if I’m honest. I’m really proud of myself. I’m proud of what my body’s achieved, but at the same time, I’m still trying to navigate the way that it works now.
WHAT RULES HAVE YOU BROKEN? AS IN: BEFORE CHILDREN WHAT ARE ALL THE THINGS YOU SAID YOU WOULD NEVER DO AS A MUM OR NEVER ALLOW?
This is a really good question. Because the mum crowd are loud when it comes to breaking rules about what you should and shouldn’t do with your children. And there are so many things that I said I wouldn’t do before becoming a mom and I’ve done them all. And I think it’s really easy to say in hindsight, before you have children that you shouldn’t do that and you shouldn’t do this and I won’t do this and I won’t do that.
The reality is always a lot different. There would be certain things that I used to say, and my mom would say, ‘mm-hmm…yeah. Okay. You just wait.’ And that would really annoy me that she’d say that. And now when I hear other prospective parents or pregnant friends saying things, I’m like biting my tongue. Because you just don’t know until you get into that situation.
Just to list a few things: first thing I said I would never do is co-sleep with my children. I always said I would never sleep in the same bed. Like I said, the mum crowd are super loud. And when you read blog posts, or if you go into the dreaded mum forums, there is so much information about safe sleep and rightly so. There should be. There are also lots of recommendations and guidance about what you should and shouldn’t do.
And you know, co-sleeping is a bit of a controversial subject. There are women that are really into it and there are certain cultures, for example, where it’s not even questioned, it’s just done. It’s very much a Western thing that we put our babies in their cribs from day one and they have to be on their back and they have to be this and they have to have no blankets and they have to have no toys.
And Romèo slept so much better with us. He was more content. So that’s what we did. We resorted to co-sleeping when he was just over a year old and we’re still co-sleeping at two. And so that was one thing I said I’d never do and here I am.
It kind of factors back to one of the first questions you asked me, and I said I had this maternal instinct that kicked in. I have this thing about wanting my children to always be responded to and always have what they need. And if it means that he needs to be in my bed and he needs cuddles and kisses, then so be it.
Also, I said that I would never give my child an iPad. That’s the most hilarious one of all, because Romèo’s obsessed with the TV. But you know what? He loves it. He sings, he dances, he’s learned some words off the TV. It helps me get stuff done. <laughs> You know, I’m sorry, but if I want to have five minutes to myself to make a cup of tea, or him sitting and eating a sandwich in front of the TV is not going to be too detrimental to his upbringing. And I know for a fact that I am not the only one that feels that way. It’s just so easy to read a book about parenting or listen to another mother say you should do this and you shouldn’t do that. And when it comes to it, you just gotta get through motherhood in the best way you can, you’ve just got to get through each day. And if you’ve got to the end of the day and your little human is still alive and they’re fed and they’ve had a nappy change and they’ve slept at some point, you’re doing a good job regardless of what rules you’ve broken and who set these rules anyway?! You know there are rules to keep your children safe and that’s different.
And then there are just rules that some mom set once thinking that she was the perfect parent and it’s just silly to me because we’re all just trying to do the best we can.
WHAT PRODUCT COULD YOU NOT PARENT WITHOUT?
Okay. I’m gonna be really boring, but I feel like honestly, you can’t live without a baby wipe <laughs>. Now I know that they’re not very environmentally friendly, so I’m sure I’m gonna get a few people coming at me about trying to save the planet and everything, but we’re all trying our best and we all do what we can. And honestly: baby wipes. Seriously, like: poop? baby wipe; pee? baby wipe; vomit? baby wipe; food? baby wipe.
They’re just amazingly clean. You can clean the table quickly when you are in a restaurant (baby wipe!) like kid throws something on the floor (baby wipe!). They’re just the best things ever. And so that’s a very boring answer, but I could tell you about beds and prams and car seats and push chairs, but baby wipes are necessities that you absolutely need and you can’t live without.
And there were lots of other smaller things. Like, for example, my haakaa. I’d recommend for any breastfeeding moms. My haakaa was incredible for the first part of my breastfeeding journey to build up a little stash. And then for formula feeding, because I’ve actually done one on one with each of my children. I breastfed Romèo for a year and I breastfed Ella exclusively until four months and then combi fed. And now we’re onto formula at six months and the Tommee Tippee prep machine has been amazing.
DO YOU HAVE ANY POEMS OR QUOTES THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE ABOUT MOTHERHOOD?
Yes, there is a woman called Jess and she writes the most amazing poems about motherhood.
[You can find her site here: https://www.jessicaurlichs.com ].And every time I read one, I feel like she’s like reaching into my soul. She just gets me. She’s just excellent.
This one (“Dear Mama”) is one of the first ones I read from her and it really resonated with me, because we were living in a really tiny apartment in Paris. We didn’t have much space, we didn’t have a nursery. We didn’t have loads of stuff. And I remember thinking this little tiny person doesn’t care, he just wants us to feed him, to love him, to make sure that he’s okay to make him feel safe.
And it’s the one piece of advice that I then give to other friends who are a mom, who are worrying about how they’re doing as a mom and thinking they haven’t got the latest gadgets and they haven’t painted the nursery a certain color and they haven’t got this and they haven’t got that. And I say to her, your baby, and even now, when they’re, a toddler, they don’t know what big houses are and space is. And they don’t know what it’s like to have all these things. They just want their parents, they want to be loved. They want to feel safe. They want to feel happy. And that’s our job to make that happen. It’s not things they need it’s love. So, yeah, that’s definitely one of my favorites.
“Dear Mama”
I don’t remember if our house was big or small or if we rented or owned.
I don’t remember if you had a fancy car, or if we had to take the bus.
I don’t remember if the house was clean and tidy or if it was covered in
washing piles and scattered toys.
I don’t remember if my pram was new or second hand or if I had the latest
new toy or designer clothes.
I don’t remember if you were dressed up or if your face was bare, it always
looked perfect to me.
I don’t remember if you had a lot of money or whether you lived pay check
to pay check.
I don’t remember if we went out every day or went on expensive holidays.
I don’t remember how sometimes you got angry or cried or had to walk
out of the room to take a breath.
I don’t remember a schedule, a checklist or any expectations other than
just you.
What i do remember is feeling safe.
I remember your comfort and how you kept me warm.
I remember your face above me when I cried for you.
I remember you would feed me when I was hungry, or tired or in pain.
I remember your smell and how it would send me off to sleep, sometimes
at 2:00am, then again at 4:00am.
I remember your smile, it was the first reason I smiled.
I remember how you played with me and got down on the ground with me, before I could get up.
I remember you taught me about love before anything else and how it was
my constant.
I remember knowing it was the only thing I ever really needed and you
gave that to me, I never had to work for it, I relaxed in it.
Thank you for teaching me that love has no limits, that it’s unconditional
and honest.
This is what I will remember Mama.
Thank you for giving me the best memories of all.
by Jess Urlichs
What products could… VICTORIA HARRINGTON CHAVEZ not parent without?
Okay. I’m gonna be really boring, but I feel like honestly, you can’t live without a baby wipe <laughs>. Now I know that they’re not very environmentally friendly, so I’m sure I’m gonna get a few people coming at me about trying to save the planet and everything, but we’re all trying our best and we all do what we can. And honestly: baby wipes. Seriously, like: poop? baby wipe; pee? baby wipe; vomit? baby wipe; food? baby wipe.
They’re just amazingly clean. You can clean the table quickly when you are in a restaurant (baby wipe!) like kid throws something on the floor (baby wipe!). They’re just the best things ever. And so that’s a very boring answer, but I could tell you about beds and prams and car seats and push chairs, but baby wipes are necessities that you absolutely need and you can’t live without.
And there were lots of other smaller things. Like, for example, my haakaa. I’d recommend for any breastfeeding moms. My haakaa was incredible for the first part of my breastfeeding journey to build up a little stash. And then for formula feeding, because I’ve actually done one on one with each of my children. I breastfed Romèo for a year and I breastfed Ella exclusively until four months and then combi fed. And now we’re onto formula at six months and the Tommee Tippee prep machine has been amazing.
